Climb

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I asked to climb through his branches,
Looked at his leaves.
Knowing the importance of each one.
Taking my time to read the inscription of his life.
Thinking this is my last chance.
Once, he was so smooth. So young.
But age has roughened him.
Each dip an experience.
Each edge a near miss.
Each bump a memory
At his base, a crack from the woman who tried to saw him down.
She too climbed through his branches,
And caused the shedding of leaves which will never grow back!
She burned his life to the ground.
He lives closed off and never exposes those leaves again.
They no longer grow.
Their secrets hidden in the trunk.
His reluctance to allow me up.
But my siren calls and soothing voice;
Spellbound him.
Moving to the beat of the wind.
As I reach higher and higher.
The branches become more fragile.
If I’m not careful I could be the result of his breakdown.
So I jump down into the pit of his fallen autumn leaves.
And decided to start there.
Learn all his falls, lost memories, all of his insignificant significant memories.
Revising his past endeavours so I could best support his new ones.
Now my dream is to strengthen him.
So one day we can both sit at the top;
Stargaze and be enriched by the sun.

So blessed to have supportive friends. Photo given by my beautiful friend. I don’t feel my recent pieces have been powerful. But I do believe they are building up to something immense. Have a blessed Sunday.

Fruitful hopes,

Shahe

Trees

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Trees are beautiful. They are the perfect representation of years of struggle and growth. Growing against all conditions, forever trying to touch the sun. Conditioning their selves to face the light, cast mighty shadows. Being selfish yet charitable.

Their bark, their trunk tortured, broken yet always growing out from the core. Battered and bruised on the hard exterior. Scars never running deep into the core, they are left on the surface. As a display of strength.

Leaves fall and new ones grow. Some ripped, some teared, some broken and some holding on for dear life. When leaves fall, know they grow back brighter, whole and refreshed. If the leaf is only partially there, know that it’s fine to be hurt and in pain. It’s fine to be missing apart of you. Because it grows back, stronger and sometimes you blossom with the sweet scent of flowers. That is when you remember they can never steal everything from you because you still hold on things which you have yet to discover.

The branches are weakest at the tip, getting thinner but more innovative. Never be afraid to branch out to grow further because in the end you will always have your centre if it doesn’t work out.

As we get closer to the top, the leaves stop layering, the experiences all start adding up and the closer we get to our centre you realise the leaf at the top is a total representation of you as it will be the last fall whilst blissfully wishing the world goodnight with no grudges.

Glistening sea breeze,

Shahe

Love v.s. Lust

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This is not love;
It is the can’t breath,
Flutter in the stomach,
Incapable of doing anything,
Mind invading kind of feeling.
Is that not lust?

Who am I fooling?
Spellbound by a few words.
Lost in the games.
Unable to face reality.

This is not lust;
Mind invading,
Incapable of doing anything,
Flutter in the stomach,
It’s the can’t breath kind of feeling.
Is that not love?

Baby cupid’s dragons,

Shahe

Temporary (Friday Reminder)

Everything comes and goes. Even the old man who has lived at that same address since he was born. He has come and gone. Every time he breathed and moved, he changed. So the man he was a moment a go was not the man he was now.

We think of forever, always assuming we have another day, another second. But you do not know your Maker, death could be around the corner or in the near distant future. Yet we foolishly think we will live for longer. Dreaming about the day when we will get married, have kids and watch them grow and start their own family. How ideally sadistic we are. Living for something we have no control of. Winding our days out for that special moment, only to meet your soul snatched and see your future become a once upon time. There is only life and death. Death is a certainty, but life is a privilege.

What became a common phrase amongst the people a few years ago ceases to be mention “The motto is YOLO”. It truly did only live once. Yes you only have one shot at life but for every day you wake up refreshed and revitalised that’s another shot, because this temporary world hasn’t come to an end.

Living for the forever moments, waiting for the key of happiness to be found in hopeless fulfilment and endeavours. We only live for the moments that make us happy in whatever form that is. No one lives for sadness. If you’ve ever glanced at an article about self-improvement or being a happy, most, if not all, say one thing “Happiness is within you”. Emotions were placed in you from the dawn of time – love, sadness, jealousy, anger and yes, happiness.

Love is one that exist between two entities. It only fathoms between two identities. Loving yourself is not the same as loving someone else. It’s a different kind of devotion. It is also the only one which can invoke all the other emotions. Our mere existence is based on a ‘act of love’. I say that loosely as I am aware it may not be the case for all. As a Muslim and as many others from Faith background we believe we were bought into this world due to the love, mercy and kindness of our Creator – Allah. But clearly Islam says love for Allah was placed in our hearts, because when He granted you life, blew your very soul into your body you fell in love. Fell in love with the Al-Muhyi (Giver of Life).

Allah is not temporary, so you will never lose Him. You may lose your way, but the beauty of Islam is it reiterates rahmah (mercy). Just like a coursing river if it bends and turns away, if its waters become dirty – it finds its way back. The fine droplets evaporate leaving the dirt behind and eventually returns to the sea free of its debris – its burden. Be as the river, shed your debris (whether that be in tears or physical objects) and slowly but truly your heart will find rest it will find its way back. So the tears you cried, will in the end be the sea in which it finds its freedom. You can love whom you please and whatever you please but this love should never replace the love you have for your Lord – that is your gravity keeping you centred not to this dunya but to the fate to accompany you in the Hereafter.

One question posed many time is the belief of one God and Hereafter. How can I believe it without seeing it? I can feel it but I can’t make you feel it. I can tell you how it feels, I can bring up all the arguments from the Quran, from the time before Prophet Muhammed (peace be upon him) and from my surroundings which even though I do not need proof, give me confirmation. But there are more knowledgable people out there who provide better explanations and reasonings. All I can say is my soul is caged in the prison of this Dunya – this is a prison to our desires, lusts, wants and greed. And I found freedom in knowing this is all temporary, I found peace in my soul when I went looking for my dear eemaan (faith). Whether you believe in any form of religion or not – know this world is not everlasting science has proven that. One day the Sun will collapse it will die and with that all life on Earth will cease to exist. Eventually a black hole will swallow it alive with physical being and time surrounding it disappearing and a universe will stand where nothing remembers there was once an Earth.

So knowing nothing is lasting, arm yourself with the knowledge that whatever pain you are going through it will pass. Friends and family you hold dear will pass whether in death or distancing – that’s okay. Life goes on. The world will always keep turning and changing. Do not expect something to last forever, just enjoy what it is offering to you today. Live everyday without the regrets and apologies of tomorrow. It is easy to become comfortable, which leads to idleness. But that time which you sat in comfort could have been the time you found another smile, another crest to add to life experiences and another moment when your soul danced freely amongst the beauty of the world we have been bestowed with. Never become stuck to the temporary, nothing was given a forever pass.

These are my words for myself, I speak from what I have only discovered recently and I talk of ideal state of mind which I am still striving to achieve. In all honesty I know nothing but these are my observations and take from them what you will.

“Be in this world as though you were a stranger or a traveller/wayfarer.” – Prophet Muhammed (peace be upon him) –

Lemon drops and crystal falls,

Shahe

Wonder and Wander

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As humans we wonder and wander. We think what could be and has been. How it comes to be and will be. From place to place. From destination to destination. Naturally then locking yourself in doors kills the soul. Dampens it. And here it comes… The dreaded sadness. Feeling of incomplete, isolation and lack of self worth. Because if you were worth anything you would be out?

Interesting. No? Our minds are continuously active and give them nothing to ponder over, they will ponder over you. Overthink, anger, sadness and jealousy become entities within your soul and begin to shred it apart. BUT… when you stick your head out, when you tumbled out of your room and the first drops of rain hit your face or the sunlight creeps under your skin and sleeps – ALIVE. That’s when you feel it. The beauty of the world. The coarsing energy of the earth. You don’t need to go far to travel. But just far enough – outside your comfort zone, outside the four walls that contain you. Spectate the world, feel it’s goodness. I am Muslim, so going out into the world seeing its beauty reminds me of my Lord. It settles my spiritual part of me. Finds comfort and resolution and all I say is ‘Subhanallah’.

Have you tried to read a book outside, make dua whilst engrossed in grass and comforted by the shade of a tree. Believe me it is amazing. The moment you shout your problems in the rain mentally and you feel the pool of rain on the floor seeing it has cleansed you of your pain. The moment you use your finger tips to catch a raindrop. Push your head back so the drops can slide down your face. Or when you want every part of your body to soak up the sun. That the parts which the skin is exposed feel priviledged to be greeted by light. I look at trees and see struggle and growth. I look at flowers and see the beauty of being different. I see animals and see that humans are no different. I hold a greenfly and beg it fly away because am scared but I don’t want to clip it’s wing. I stare at the marvels in front of me and I am grateful to be able to see, smell, taste, hear and touch it all. Soul is enriched. So if you do anything go out. Doesn’t matter where. No music. No distraction and just wonder and wander.

Ramadan Day 6

An old post which if anyone like myself is going through any struggle then this may help you. Trusting someone whom is not physically there, or can’t not be seen has been mankinds long term struggle. We are not the first nor will we be the last. But my whole life I was told to believe in a Lord and I did as I was told. I believed. But I no longer believe I know, but how? The world and my life connected together for me and showed me His existence. For those who are familiar with Surah Rahman, a single ayat repeated several times “Of which of these favours of your Lord will you deny?” (paraphrased) in that particular Surah I feel addresses mankinds need for confirmation. These last couple of weeks my prayers have been answered in such a way where my heart has been open to see the answers and responses to my prayers. Alhamdulilah. I didn’t need this to confirm the existance of Allah because I made that connection a while back, via completeing my salaahs and ‘ilm (knowledge). Don’t blindly follow seek knowledge from the appropriate sources, only that way will you learn to know Allah and begin to build that trust. The very trust which will give you freedom from the heartbreaks of this Dunya. Have a blessed night and may Allah always shower you with blessing and love.

ShamroXx

– “…And whoever relies upon Allah – then He is sufficient for him. Indeed, Allah will accomplish His purpose. Allah has already set for everything a (decreed) extent.” – Holy Quran (65:3) –

I was reading the story of Prophet Musa (Alayhi wa salaam*) (Biblical reference: Moses) and there was one part of his story which intrigued me. The Israelites and the Copts were two civilisations that lived in Egypt, the Israelites were the people whom moved from Canaan during Prophet Yusuf’s (Alayhi wa salaam*) (Biblical reference: Joseph) reign. Over time Israelites were made to feel like a lower class and Copts were seen as a higher class. During the birth of Prophet Musa, the Pharaoh had set a royal decree to kill all new-born Israelite boys, as he had been told by a Coptic priest that the end of his kingdom will be due to a child born among…

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Renaissance Part IX – A Silent Discomfort

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Artwork done by Resistant Artist

The room filled with a thick sandalwood odour, as the bedroom door opened.
   
“How are you finding it? Settling in, that is.” A deep strong voice sliced through the silence.   

“It’s been a month or so, I guess not too bad. The guys are very nice and welcoming sir. But the room will take some getting use to.” She spoke with confidence and rigidity. Arms and legs very stiff and kept together.    
   
“Relax. There is no need for formal behaviour. It would be nice if we could become friends.” His voice softened as he stepped further into the room and closer to the young girl. “Do you not like your room?”   
   
“Permission to speak freely…” She uttered hesitantly, knowing the last time an unpopular comment was made, she was forced to endure the cold winter winds. “Please do Rissa, your opinion matters to me.”   
   
“I am not use to such small inhabitants and although I am honoured to have my own living quarters, I fear the others envy me and dislike me as they have to share theirs.”   
   
“Perhaps. Maybe to even it out I should move in?” He chuckled. “The boys will get over it, they are not use to having a member of the opposite sex aboard the team. You are different. It could be very well they are threatened by you or are attracted to you. For our first female recruit, you are beautiful.” The silver sharp buttons on his sleeve scratched her face, as he pushed loose strands of hair behind her ear. A large built torso had now found its way very close to Rissa’s side. Sweat pooled at her palms, thoughts raced through her mind. – It’s nothing. His just being nice. –   
   
“You’re bleeding, let me get that for you.” he whispered near her ear. Twists and turns of the lower abdomen rose up to the bursting heart. A strange feeling occurred on her cheek and a slow creeping realisation entered her soul – This is not right. –     
   
Time decelerated, seconds became hours and minutes became days. The body and mind detached, leaving the soul to endure the now inflicting lasting memory. Rissa watched her self frozen. Every hour he inched closer; she could feel the body heat, the increasing sharpness in his breath and the heavy groans.    
   
Rissa screamed, no one could hear her, not even herself. She pushed herself, told her to fight back. His cushioned lips moved down her cheek, closer to her own and his hand slid down her back shakily, as if he was afraid. Feet remained firmly glued to the ground, Rissa pulled them and begged them to move. She looked up at her, the face seemed vacant. “Please….” She whispered.
   
On the tip of her tongue awaited the words ‘No’ but there was no breath to accompany it. So it remained. Unmoved, whilst his large block like fingers searched for an opening.    
   
If I let it happen, maybe it will be quick. Maybe I shouldn’t fight back because it will make it worse. It’s probably a misunderstanding. He was just trying to stop the bleeding earlier. –   
   
Heartbeat ceased. Warm humid breath enter her mouth space, her lips tightly shut, the only reflex her body was capable of. Rissa moved slowly away, as if she was able to run away from her body and what was about to happen. Picturing the moment she hits him, when she screams for help. The moment she runs for the doors and out of the grounds.    
   
“You are too young for this,” he panted as he laid his forehead on her cold shoulder. Perspiration transferred from his skin to her clothes whilst he gracefully removed his hand. After rebuttoning his crisp, slightly damp white shirt, he straightened up the rest of his outfit – a white blazer and trouser, which now seemed to be containing a bulge. He checked himself in the mirror and ran his creamy golden hands through a thick meadow of browning harvest wheat hair to the nape of his neck which was now red. Tip taps of footsteps left the room, the noise ringed through Rissa’s ear. She stood. Stared. Sweated. Asphyxiated of livelihood.

Hello readers. I’ve worked on this piece for the last month or so. As previously stated I have partnered up with Resistant who would do some artwork for some of the parts. Working with him was a lot of fun. I loved seeing his interpretation of the events in this part. He came up with the title for this part. I cannot express how much I like the title. This part was difficult for me to write. Hopefully you all like it. You know the drill share, like and comment.

Check out Resistant’s website:

http://resistantartist.tumblr.com

“Lose yourself within yourself, you are your own universe.” – Shahe

Crashing calm tides,

Shahe

The beginning

Deep breath. Exhale. Lungs emptied. Soothing air enters my being.

Life is never simple, not without difficulties. Muslims believe this dunya (world) is not made trial free, if this life was of ease there will be no need for Jannah (Heaven). The challenge of this world – you are expected to walk up the mountain with your back straight, all whilst carrying emotional and physical burdens. To what exactly? What is your goal? Sometimes we deceive ourselves, demand we have reached the top. But have you? Or are the clouds obscuring your vision. For me I looked for inner peace. I never knew that is what I wanted. Inner peace – what I searched for since I was a little girl. I was in turmoil inside. The storm raged onwards but I deceived myself and placed a mirage of an oasis over my soul.

Months ago I wrote a post whilst in utter anguish and depths of sadness I never knew existed. I couldn’t post it. I guess I was waiting for this very moment. Although I won’t be completely specific about everything, as I believe somethings are too personal for me to share with the world. But I will give you a glimpse in to my somewhat dull life.

In August Hollyoak’s aired a storyline about rape and abuse. There was a particular moment in the episode where one of the characters spoke about the after effects of the abuse from when she was a child. I remember watching the episode and tears flowing freely from my eyes, like a river being gently pushed along by currents, in this case the stirring of emotions from deep within me. I cried for the emotional aspect attached to such an ordeal and it’s metamorphosis into later life. These kind of things, they steal something from you and no matter what you do you can’t get it back. It isn’t the physical stuff, it is something much more precious – innocence.

The amount of emotional pain a person endures can vary in duration, intensity and it’s transgression into daily and future life. Some may feel ‘nothing’ whilst others experience an explosion of feelings which splatter and scatter into all regions of themselves.

August is when I realised. I realised that night, when I cried for 3 hours in the dark and felt a darkness in my soul; everything was not all right. The fact I felt a physical pain run through my body, a stab in my abdomen, constriction of my airways as my sadness tried to kill me. Well my soul that is. For weeks I felt like this, well noticeably down. I am sure it started months ago but I was too distracted to realise it was festering away underneath. But I had a friend.

Before April I had a friend whom I had known for years and they were my clutch. When ever I felt down they propped me up. I would stay up into the morning talking about my problems and they would just listen patiently. Never judging, staying neutral and not giving negative fuelling advice. As with many friendships they disintegrate. The removal of the clutch slowly made me lose balance until I fell on 4th August.

I had become short tempered and filled with rage. Naturally an argument took place between myself and my parents, namely my dad. They left me home alone. A silence echoed through the house only intermittently broken by tear drops and gasps for air. I caught a glimpse of a girl in the mirror. Deranged, unkempt, swollen red eyes, broken and blue. I looked at her and said “This is not me. I am not like this. I am happy”. A smile attempted to creep up the face but failed and could not be stabilised. I reached for a needle, took it to my arm and I watched my veins pulsate. Contemplating an action I thought I had long forgotten and buried. I fought.

Have you ever tried to fight yourself? Reason with your self. Beg yourself to be happy. To forget. Convince your self to not be afraid. Afraid of what? Yourself. Depression is a dark shadow no one ever tells you about. It finds you and clings on. Devouring your energy to sustain itself. A parasite.

I made a call that day. A call that changed my life.

“Every thought is a battle. Every breath is a war, and I don’t think I’m winning anymore” – Anon

Refreshing lemongrass,

Shahe