And we are back here again; 748 days later I am staring into the abyss. Afraid of returning. Back to a world I barely escaped. How many wars have I fought? But the enemy doesn’t go away. The omens, the signs are all there for it’s return. I can see it hiding in the shadows, behind corners and amoungst the memories of former feelings. How many more times will I have to declare “I am stronger and I will defeat this”. Will this be my final battle cry?


Return is Imminent

Alhamdulilah. One year, your life can be cast into the abyss. Actively seeking the light; an escape from the torment. Running away from oneself. Trapped by the demons, which inhabit your soul; created and fed with our very own hands.

It is not your fault, the circumstances gave the demons life. The moments when life failed you, the world failed you. The only mistake you made was not standing up. Allowing the whispers to take you. The real wins are the failures. There are lessons only found once the dust has cleared. They reveal a rarity of something magnificent. An uncovering of your true soul. One not conditioned by society.

I am proud of myself. From where I’ve come, the whens, the whats and the whys. There were moments, when my mere existence in this very moment of time was questionable and not plausible. I take pride in my journey. Some may not understand it. People will judge. But the beauty is, it is MINE! What I have learnt over this year, is to not wait for the acknowledgement of others to be proud of my accomplishments. I am in no need of their approval or hand clapping. In life the only person truely in your corner is yourself. Only YOU know the depths of the difficulties YOU have over come, only YOU are aware of the strength you poured in when YOU had none. We live in a world which has conditioned us to only feel happy with ourselves at the approvals, likes, retweets, envious congratulations of others. Because we are always doing it for the gram, fb and tweeting till the sunrise. But whilst our face remains glued to the screen, we miss the beauty of the world for what it is and miss the most important part – the documenting of our journey. The journey we will play back as we see a new generation of kids and we rock back and forth, thanking life and preparing for life after the dunya.

Today’s marks the end of exams; all I have to say is I’ve made it. Some know that this spec of a moment right now is euphoria in righteous tears of something which was deemed unimaginable.

Ramadan Day 6

An old post which if anyone like myself is going through any struggle then this may help you. Trusting someone whom is not physically there, or can’t not be seen has been mankinds long term struggle. We are not the first nor will we be the last. But my whole life I was told to believe in a Lord and I did as I was told. I believed. But I no longer believe I know, but how? The world and my life connected together for me and showed me His existence. For those who are familiar with Surah Rahman, a single ayat repeated several times “Of which of these favours of your Lord will you deny?” (paraphrased) in that particular Surah I feel addresses mankinds need for confirmation. These last couple of weeks my prayers have been answered in such a way where my heart has been open to see the answers and responses to my prayers. Alhamdulilah. I didn’t need this to confirm the existance of Allah because I made that connection a while back, via completeing my salaahs and ‘ilm (knowledge). Don’t blindly follow seek knowledge from the appropriate sources, only that way will you learn to know Allah and begin to build that trust. The very trust which will give you freedom from the heartbreaks of this Dunya. Have a blessed night and may Allah always shower you with blessing and love.


– “…And whoever relies upon Allah – then He is sufficient for him. Indeed, Allah will accomplish His purpose. Allah has already set for everything a (decreed) extent.” – Holy Quran (65:3) –

I was reading the story of Prophet Musa (Alayhi wa salaam*) (Biblical reference: Moses) and there was one part of his story which intrigued me. The Israelites and the Copts were two civilisations that lived in Egypt, the Israelites were the people whom moved from Canaan during Prophet Yusuf’s (Alayhi wa salaam*) (Biblical reference: Joseph) reign. Over time Israelites were made to feel like a lower class and Copts were seen as a higher class. During the birth of Prophet Musa, the Pharaoh had set a royal decree to kill all new-born Israelite boys, as he had been told by a Coptic priest that the end of his kingdom will be due to a child born among…

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And finally I breathe…

Am not going to lie, my heart wrenched a little when I read this.

Rattana Rants...

There’s no room to suffocate.

Your absence in my heart is the presence that I needed.

Finally able to inhale again.

Without my chest feeling tight,

or my heart heavy with a river of waited tears.

And my eyes were full of pain,

but my words never brought compassion

when they never met your ears.

Ignorance is all you breathe.

I set myself free from your toxicity.

Relieved to know you’re no longer a part of me.

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Day 12 – Friday Reminder #100DaysOfIslam


Am I ever alone? If I have faith and place my trust in my Lord then I am never alone. Even when my senses are closed he is near. I don’t need to hear, see or feel Him. I just know He is and will always be there. This can be a concept difficult to gasp for some people. They might not understand it but I do. People wonder how the sahaba and prophets were so brave, because they knew they had Allah always. So no matter what they would find rest in knowing Allah was watching over them.

Sometimes we have to crawl through the dirt, get the scars and bruises to uncover what was hidden and relish in our new strength.


I’ve been meaning to write something for awhile but perfection takes awhile. For those who follow the story of ‘Untitled’ it’s on a freeze at the moment as my heads gone into a whirlwind of ideas. Everything I write or think of doesn’t sound right. But just as this story once was contrived suddenly in my brain it will come together again. Something will come up but am not entirely sure when. Inspiration can hit me at any time. Be patient and keep a look out.

Meanwhile what you can look forward to is a #100DaysOfIslam. To make me more spiritually aware and increase my knowledge about my religion I will do posts for a 100 days – similar to the Ramadan Diary. I know what your thinking, I failed on the 100 days of happiness but it’s because I got lazy. Hopefully I can stay motivated enough to do this.

Currently am working on making my blog more centred rather then mish mash of topics. But if you like mish mash let me know.

Thank you for all the support so far. I will write something soon I promise.

Dandy dandelions,



There is a void
Expanding below the surface
It is empty
No happiness can fill it
No sadness can satisfy it
Constantly there, staring at you
Watching you
Shadowing you.
Paint over the darkness
An illustrated smile
No one is the wiser
No one digs deeper
Taking note of surface value
The void is preparation for the upcoming storm
Release the teary showers
The growling thunder
And the scarey lightning
My armour is packed!

Day 13-17 #100HappyDay

Day 13: Spent the day at a work meeting having a refresher on my coffee skills. After the meeting I was super hungry so me and my friend decided it was time for sushi.


Day 13

Day 14: A relaxing Sunday indoors, where sibling quarrels co-existed with the peaceful manner of a Sunday home. Mum wanting us to be healthier and to get rid of the grapes bought a bowl up each for me and my brother.


Day 14

Day 15: Sometimes I wonder how I function. Having slept through most of Sunday I could not sleep at night and only managed a two hour sleep. Lack of sleep whilst trying to host a music festival is not ideal. A fake smile painted on and face full of makeup I was ready to attempt to entertain an audience. It was an amazing experience listening to live music from a vast range of genres. My favourite performance was the cover of Florence and the Machine, Sweet Nothing. (Fact: I like Florence and the Machine, my friend bought me the album Ceremonial) On my travel home the sky cleared and I stared up to see brightly lit stars. Through the everlasting darkness these stars shone and I was mesmerized at the beauty of this dunya (world). I did not take the following picture because my camera cannot capture the night sky in its glory, so I stole this.


Day 15

Day 16: Another day with the munchkin, eating halal jelly goods.


Day 16

Day 17: Gloomy day. Rain. Rain. London.  A Twitter discovery led me to download Flappy Bird, an annoying game if your a crap ball like me. But when I got past 1 pipe and made it to 5 I was elated.


Day 17


Top of the morning to yah! It is 1am and its the hours between night and day. As the time is past 12am I feel as though it is not night-time but it’s not morning either, it is the dimensional plane in the night of in-between where I become delusional and debate about whether it is night or morning. Those of proper English-speaking background (most likely attended finishing school and a grammar school) can you tell me the greeting used at 1am when greeting someone who is equally crazy and participates in mimicking the behaviour of a nocturnal owl. Many thanks in advance.

I have not posted since Eid and that was a fair bit ago. This is an update to notify you that I am alive and will be doing a proper post real soon. I have had a few compliments about my blogging recently and I want to pass on a huge thank you to anyone who read anything on my blog or even glanced at it and said ‘meh’ because you are awesome too! Seriously please leave comments for improvements or topics you want me to research as your too lazy to do it yourself – chances are we are interested in similar things. Whilst undertaking some light reading I found this quote and I love it, so I shall leave it with you.

Drizzling caramel vision,


“Everybody is a genius. But if you judge a fish by its ability to climb a tree, it will live its whole life believing that it is stupid.” – Albert Einstein