“As you get older the years go faster” – Mum
I am taking some monumental steps in life affirming and changing decisions, as mid twenties brings a fresh array of choices and options. But for now, I’ll stay on this step and enjoy the view. Take it all in. Pay gratitude to the lessons of yester-year and appreciation to the good, the bad and the ugly – all experiences and shapers of the soul and heart.
Depression didn’t just take away happiness and cause emotional imbalance. It took my identity, it took my source to write, to articulate my thoughts with confidence… This is the side no one talks about. It’s not just about having a healthy mind but it’s also rebuilding and rediscovering cornerstones of yourself. This quest is an element of self love. It’s finding who you want to be and strengthing the qualities. It’s remembering who you were and the personal traits you want to reacquire. For example, I forgot how lead with kindness and I have spent the last 8 months learning to lead differently. Have role models in place, so you have aspiration and guidance – I found mines at work. They showed me a different way.
Last year I was trying to find myself again. This year I am trying to find my voice again.
Crisp new beginnings,
As humans we wonder and wander. We think what could be and has been. How it comes to be and will be. From place to place. From destination to destination. Naturally then locking yourself in doors kills the soul. Dampens it. And here it comes… The dreaded sadness. Feeling of incomplete, isolation and lack of self worth. Because if you were worth anything you would be out?
Interesting. No? Our minds are continuously active and give them nothing to ponder over, they will ponder over you. Overthink, anger, sadness and jealousy become entities within your soul and begin to shred it apart. BUT… when you stick your head out, when you tumbled out of your room and the first drops of rain hit your face or the sunlight creeps under your skin and sleeps – ALIVE. That’s when you feel it. The beauty of the world. The coarsing energy of the earth. You don’t need to go far to travel. But just far enough – outside your comfort zone, outside the four walls that contain you. Spectate the world, feel it’s goodness. I am Muslim, so going out into the world seeing its beauty reminds me of my Lord. It settles my spiritual part of me. Finds comfort and resolution and all I say is ‘Subhanallah’.
Have you tried to read a book outside, make dua whilst engrossed in grass and comforted by the shade of a tree. Believe me it is amazing. The moment you shout your problems in the rain mentally and you feel the pool of rain on the floor seeing it has cleansed you of your pain. The moment you use your finger tips to catch a raindrop. Push your head back so the drops can slide down your face. Or when you want every part of your body to soak up the sun. That the parts which the skin is exposed feel priviledged to be greeted by light. I look at trees and see struggle and growth. I look at flowers and see the beauty of being different. I see animals and see that humans are no different. I hold a greenfly and beg it fly away because am scared but I don’t want to clip it’s wing. I stare at the marvels in front of me and I am grateful to be able to see, smell, taste, hear and touch it all. Soul is enriched. So if you do anything go out. Doesn’t matter where. No music. No distraction and just wonder and wander.
When you are kicked to the ground you find the rarest pieces of gold, gems and diamonds. I can’t explain how weird this week has been. Whilst contemplating in my bath tub (as you do) I realised there are changes I want to make in my life for myself. I want to take this personal development stuff seriously. Everyone has unlockable potential, you just need to find the key. The journey in finding that key makes you so much stronger and ready to to pass through that door and faces your new challenges. A quote that sticks with me is ‘Real hell is when you meet the person you could’ve been’. Death can be full of regrets or admiration of your accomplishments.
On a personal note I want to thank every single individual for their kind words and offer of support during this difficult time. There are people in my life right now that I have an undeniable amount of love for. If you know me at all you know my heart is as big as my gob. I love carelessly, with no reservations. Never knew I could feel love like this, the kind you wish lasted even all the way to the arkirah.
Grieving is a trip that you always come back from. So I don’t expect anyone to know what to say to bring me comfort. But your presence is enough. Much love. Night
Ya Allah soften my heart, open my eyes and amplify my hearing. Ya Allah shower our brothers and sisters in Palestine, Syria, Iraq and any where else where oppressors and tyrants rule, with rahmah. Ya Rahman, Ya Raheem the All Giving, All Seeing protect the Ummah against the corrupt.
Allow us (me) to never to stray from the rightous path, keep us striving for the goal of Jannah, where the struggles of this dunya will bring us peace. Ya Allah love all those I love for your sake and show them the light. Instill the beautiful traits of humanity in all of us so we may enter Jannah and raise in our ranks in Jannah.
(The delay in posting has been due to personal and family matters. Mainly because I felt like I needed to work on myself islamically. I am not perfect or the ideal Muslim. Everything I say is based on opnions and research. My fear of hypocrisy scared me from posting, which developed into laziness. But I felt guilt for neglecting my blog. As these posts are reminders for me more then anything. Apologises for being MIA.)
I made a wrong decision.
I chose the wrong path.
I turned left instead of right.
Followed my desires down the rabbit hole.
Found myself at the bottom.
Scratched at the surface.
Uncovered a murky side.
The light screamed for freedom.
The saviour reminded me to feel.
But he was the assassin of my heart.
Never fall, never grow, never love.
You will never bruise, never heal, never strengthen.
My height is above me.
Broken but fixed.
Damaged but healed.
Weak but stronger.
I prefer not to dabble in the contaminants of the heart.
Found this absolutely hilarious take note boys. My brother shared his bounty with me today. Later on he asked me to drop bars (rap lines) about him having a bounty, this was the best I could come up with: “Havin’ my bounty, in another county”
Last night was very eventful. I just about made it home and was able to get myself to the doctor. My head was killing me and sleeping was making it worse but all my body wanted to do was sleep – an internal war was occuring. I woke up at 5am and passed out. My Dad helped me get back into bed. To think I was considering going into work. I was sad and grumpy, until my little brother made me warm strawberry milkshake.
Woke up at 2am and I was hungry. In my search for food I opened the fridge to find these bad boys. It has been 10 years since I had seen these yoghurts – bought back some good memories.
How cute is this bottle? The size and cuteness of the bottle was not the reason behind my happiness it was the conversation that followed. My friend was telling me about her essay entitled ‘Alcohol without the hangover’. She then said this particular bottle is the alcohol without the hangover as an prominent ISOC (Islamic society) brother walked in. The brother had a beard and a thobe – he was of the serious kind.
It has been the longest day of my life. First, I was still in Southampton by Sunday night and I only drifted off to sleep around 2am, when I knew I had a practical at 9am!
Have you ever half slept? When your body is asleep (immobile) but your brain is active. I had one of those sleeps. But imagine it smothered in tiredness, therefore you end up zoning in and out of deep sleep state. My sleep ended up being a nap as I woke up after 3 hours and 30 minutes. Maneuvering out of bed, avoiding the furtinure in the dark as to avoid making any noise which will constitute to waking up someone in the house, I braved the harsh cold of the house. Before I left, I tucked my brother in and gave him a kiss on his forehead. As I was just about to leave he said ‘How can you just leave like that without giving me a hug?’. My heart melted and I smiled my first smile of the day.
Travelling at dawn is beautiful, I got the chance to see the light creep up and steal the darkness of the night with the silhouette of bare trees. Admiring the beauty of nature I recalled reading an ayaat (translation: a sentence in the Quran) which stated ‘He who created the heavens and the earth…’. This ayaat was the best description for the beauty my eyes witnessed – no camera could capture it.
After labs and uni duties were over I headed over to the graduation ceremony to start my shift. I had a good shift as my lecturers were present and I knew a few of the graduates. Also had the opportunity to see the varying emotions stretched over a number of the graduates. Many were happy, relieved, proud and excited. The day had it’s barrel of laughter. One in particular was when the supervisor lifted their grown after I called them Batman (Refer to picture).
My shift finished at 7:30 by which all trains to Waterloo decided to be delayed or cancelled. I didn’t get on the train till 8:20. I thought it couldn’t get worse until I started feeling ill on the train and had to get off at earlsfield. I couldn’t wait for the next train so had to think of a new route. I then started feeling dizzy and tripped on the stairs in the tube station – Embarassing- I know. So my day turned a bit crappy until I saw a man with a Stalin moustache smiling.