Deep breath. Exhale. Lungs emptied. Soothing air enters my being.
Life is never simple, not without difficulties. Muslims believe this dunya (world) is not made trial free, if this life was of ease there will be no need for Jannah (Heaven). The challenge of this world – you are expected to walk up the mountain with your back straight, all whilst carrying emotional and physical burdens. To what exactly? What is your goal? Sometimes we deceive ourselves, demand we have reached the top. But have you? Or are the clouds obscuring your vision. For me I looked for inner peace. I never knew that is what I wanted. Inner peace – what I searched for since I was a little girl. I was in turmoil inside. The storm raged onwards but I deceived myself and placed a mirage of an oasis over my soul.
Months ago I wrote a post whilst in utter anguish and depths of sadness I never knew existed. I couldn’t post it. I guess I was waiting for this very moment. Although I won’t be completely specific about everything, as I believe somethings are too personal for me to share with the world. But I will give you a glimpse in to my somewhat dull life.
In August Hollyoak’s aired a storyline about rape and abuse. There was a particular moment in the episode where one of the characters spoke about the after effects of the abuse from when she was a child. I remember watching the episode and tears flowing freely from my eyes, like a river being gently pushed along by currents, in this case the stirring of emotions from deep within me. I cried for the emotional aspect attached to such an ordeal and it’s metamorphosis into later life. These kind of things, they steal something from you and no matter what you do you can’t get it back. It isn’t the physical stuff, it is something much more precious – innocence.
The amount of emotional pain a person endures can vary in duration, intensity and it’s transgression into daily and future life. Some may feel ‘nothing’ whilst others experience an explosion of feelings which splatter and scatter into all regions of themselves.
August is when I realised. I realised that night, when I cried for 3 hours in the dark and felt a darkness in my soul; everything was not all right. The fact I felt a physical pain run through my body, a stab in my abdomen, constriction of my airways as my sadness tried to kill me. Well my soul that is. For weeks I felt like this, well noticeably down. I am sure it started months ago but I was too distracted to realise it was festering away underneath. But I had a friend.
Before April I had a friend whom I had known for years and they were my clutch. When ever I felt down they propped me up. I would stay up into the morning talking about my problems and they would just listen patiently. Never judging, staying neutral and not giving negative fuelling advice. As with many friendships they disintegrate. The removal of the clutch slowly made me lose balance until I fell on 4th August.
I had become short tempered and filled with rage. Naturally an argument took place between myself and my parents, namely my dad. They left me home alone. A silence echoed through the house only intermittently broken by tear drops and gasps for air. I caught a glimpse of a girl in the mirror. Deranged, unkempt, swollen red eyes, broken and blue. I looked at her and said “This is not me. I am not like this. I am happy”. A smile attempted to creep up the face but failed and could not be stabilised. I reached for a needle, took it to my arm and I watched my veins pulsate. Contemplating an action I thought I had long forgotten and buried. I fought.
Have you ever tried to fight yourself? Reason with your self. Beg yourself to be happy. To forget. Convince your self to not be afraid. Afraid of what? Yourself. Depression is a dark shadow no one ever tells you about. It finds you and clings on. Devouring your energy to sustain itself. A parasite.
I made a call that day. A call that changed my life.
“Every thought is a battle. Every breath is a war, and I don’t think I’m winning anymore” – Anon –